Hello, Renrenspeakers! It has been a while since I’ve hopped on the blog, and let me just tell ya — life has been LIFING! I have some more exciting life updates to share later, but I thought I would give yall an update on what has been going on with me health-wise these last two months.

On May 3rd, what I thought was going to be a fun opportunity to elevate my athletic skills turned into a life-altering moment. Here’s the back story. I had decided to join a recreational soccer league with my now fiancé and my friends after supporting them during previous seasons by being their best cheerleader, haha. As I am getting older, I want to keep my athleticism up as preventative measures for health. My fiancé and my friends even made it a point to start soccer agility training just so that we could feel somewhat conditioned for the new season. Mind you, I have never played soccer in my life for real. The extent of my soccer experience has been kicking the ball around during PE. Thus, in addition to my power walks, dance classes, and gym, I was excited to add soccer to my athletic repertoire.

I survived our first soccer game of the season (all I knew was that I was to be a defender lol) and though my endurance was shot, I thought I did pretty well for my first game. For the second game, I ended up assuming more of the position of offense. I found myself even attempting to score a goal, which was very exciting! About 10 minutes into the game, the soccer ball came towards me, and I extended my right leg, attempting to kick the soccer ball. At the same time, a girl from the opposing team ended up kicking my knee out laterally, and I remember instantly falling to the ground and feeling instant, debilitating pain. I was kicked so hard in the knee that I had to be carried out by my friend and my now fiancé. I remember someone telling me to breath, but I could not even open my eyes — that is how much pain I was in. However, never suffering any kind of injury and honestly thinking I am lowkey invincible since I’m relatively young and active, tearing any kind of ligament was the last thing that my mind went to. I encouraged my fiancé to finish the soccer game and that I would just tough it out until the end as I sat on the bench with the most amount of discomfort. Mind you, I was in excruciating pain the entirety of that game and could only limp, but I didn’t want to be a debbie downer. I ended up limping the rest of the day even after I came home.

Since my soccer team is primarily made up of OTs and PTs, I thankfully had a PT who quickly assessed my leg and gave me some comfort that it is most likely only a sprain, especially since I didn’t feel an immediate pop or have immediate swelling at the time of injury. As an OT myself, I recommend the RICE method for pain relief and decreased swelling for patients all the time. So that is what I did – rested, iced, compressed, and elevated the entire night. I was unable to bear my full weight on my right leg, however, and my range of motion became very limited that day. I ended up noticing increased swelling at my knee as well hours after initial onset. That Sunday evening, I ended up calling off from work because I legitimately could not walk well enough to work.

Now it is the next day, Monday, and I wake up to my knee still swollen (actually it looked worse than yesterday). The wellness freak in me immediately became very anxious, and my kind fiancé ended up driving me down later to the nearest orthopedic clinic to get my knee checked out as requested. I am still limping at this time, but my gait was a bit better than the previous day. Definitely not well enough to drive, however. I am very grateful I was able to quickly make an appointment with an orthopedic healthcare provider, and he ordered a STAT MRI just to rule out any structural damage after conducting a quick assessment of my leg. I am a woman of action, so I immediately got an MRI scheduled for the following day. Again, this entire time I was thinking that my knee was probably just sprained really bad, so when he said “structural damage” that was the first time I ever thought to myself that this could be a more serious injury. Nevertheless, the ACL was the LAST thing I ever would have imagined.

It is now Tuesday, 2 days post my unknown ACL injury at the time, and I get my MRI. By this time, I am still limping, but it is much less noticeable than it was on Sunday and Monday. I even tell work that I am walking well enough to return back to work the next day. This was my first time ever having an MRI, so the process itself was pretty daunting. However, everything went smoothy despite having to pay a way larger amount for the test than was anticipated (that is a whole other conversation). They tell me that I will hear back in 3-5 business days to hear back from imaging for the interpretation of my results.

Wednesday rolls around, my leg is not nearly as swollen anymore, and my limp is virtually gone. I am even back at work! Though, my knee still feels… off. My ROM is limited, especially with flexion, I can’t squat the way I used to, and my leg is very fatigued after standing for extended periods of time. In hindsight, I definitely should have taken the day off but at this rate I am still very delusional thinking that I probably will have just a knee sprain. I even have another PT do a quick assessment of my knee, and in his conclusion, the worse case scenario based on how well my knee was moving was that there could be meniscus damage. Feeling mostly normal and being able to push through the discomfort gave me a false sense of confidence that nothing could ever be really wrong with my knee. I end up receiving a call from my original orthopedic care providers saying that they would like to schedule an appointment to go over my MRI results, and me, not even thinking too deeply asked if they could just tell me over the phone. I was on go go go mode, and the last thing I didn’t have “time” for was to go to the doctor’s office to discuss my health results outside of my work day. However, I ended up making it work and scheduled an appointment for Thursday.

That same day, I routinely call my boyfriend at the time to tell him about the nonsense of my typical work day. I am at home now, and I distinctly remember that I could actually look at my MRI results on my patient portal. I even was trying to look at my results at work earlier, but I did not remember my credentials (thank GOD now looking back because that would have been a nightmare to find out at work). I tell him, “Let me just look right now”, not super nervous about the news that was to come. Then, I read out loud the results, and the first thing I see is something to the effect of: complete tear of the anterior cruciate ligament. I read it and did not really process what that meant at first, and then I heard him say, “oh no…” and immediately my jaw is on the floor because it just clicked in my head that it was the ACL! I think I am completely in shock at this moment that I end up telling my boyfriend at the time that maybe it is a rare instance where they get the patients mixed up and it is actually not my results, lol (healthcare isn’t perfect, by the way). Once I get off the phone, I immediately start bawling and I am just overcome with anger that this is happening to me. I still held off a tiny bit of hope that it could be an error and that I would wait until Thursday to find out from the doctor himself.

It is now Thursday, and I am 4 days post injury anxiously waiting for my doctor’s appointment. My coworkers tell me that it is going to be okay and they are sure it is nothing serious, but that night I could not sleep because of COURSE I immediately go to Google and google everything and anything about ACL injuries, including recovery timeline, surgery options, and long-term affects with deciding to go a more conservative route. It is too much for my brain to take, so I just smile and chug through the day pretending that I am completely oblivious to the devastating news that I would later hear in person at my appointment.

I am now at the doctor’s office later that afternoon, and immediately when the doctor comes in to discuss my MRI results with me, the first question out of his mouth is “Have you heard of an ACL injury before?” In that moment, my last glimpse of hope about this whole scenario potentially being the wrong patient chart is completely shattered, and I nod, “Yes, I already saw the results.” It took every ounce within me to not break down sobbing in his office due to the sheer disappointment and fear of what was to come. My doctor went over surgery options, healing timelines, out of work accommodations, and a whole bunch of other topics that I honestly kind of blacked out on due to feelings of being overwhelmed and in disbelief that this was really happening to me. He was able to schedule me to meet with a surgeon that specializes in ACL reconstruction to see if surgery was the option that I wanted to go (though it was highly recommended, as this was a complete tear that I had). As I booked my appointment with the front desk before I left the office for the day, I remember her just telling me, “I am so sorry.” I think at that point, all the tears I held back the entire day just started to surface, and before I even left the building, I started sobbing. First thing I did was call my boyfriend and started sobbing for probably a good 20 minutes straight. It was a cathartic cry, not gonna lie. That was one moment in my life I felt so low and that I hit rock bottom because something that was supposed to be super fun and exciting and just keep me active quickly became a physical, emotional, mental, and financial strain on my life in the least expected way. I repeatedly asked God “why me?” and just sat with that for days. Not only the physical pain of not being able to engage in sports the way that I once did, but even simple things like criss crossing, squatting, driving, and sitting on the floor became so difficult. I felt like a large part of my independence was instantly taken away from me. People all around me would say things like “you are so strong” and “I can’t believe how well you are walking on your knee injury”, but internally, I felt so broken and so frustrated with my body.

To top it all off, life doesn’t stop for you just because YOU have something catastrophic going on in life. I had to navigate seeking financial assistance/protection of my job as a new employee at my work, surgery options, continuous doctor’s visits and follow ups, student loan repayment modifications, and physical therapy post op care all while going to work and having to provide my best quality care to my patients. Some days I felt like I was there but not present, which is never a good thing when you are at your wits end but still have to show up for other people. The last two months were SO hard in every way I could imagine. But I am a big believer that no matter how insane or difficult a situation is in life, God doesn’t throw us situations that we cannot handle. Thus, I had to find some meaning as to why this particular incident happened to me.

I feel like what was revealed to me over these past two months of navigating this season of my ACL pre-op was that I needed to choose and prioritize rest, and that if I neglected resting, it would choose me eventually. I made it a point this year to up my financial bag, killing it with finding a new job to maximize my income all while PRNing at another facility every other weekend. In that process, I was giving a lot of my time to work so that I could reach my financial goals faster. However, I felt like a zombie so many times throughout the process, dreading a 6th consecutive day of work more often than not, and never felt refreshed during the little weekend I did have. I think I reached a point of burnout, which is always a huge indicator that something’s gotta change. I wasn’t quick enough to make this change, so in many ways, maybe this incident was literally a physical sign that I have to reprioritize other aspects of my life that give me more joy than working for a paycheck to reach some arbitrary financial milestones.

I am now 4 days post ACL surgery, and recovery has mostly been smooth physically. I will be sharing my post-op journey in a later post, but I just wanted to share with yall my ACL injury story. It is a deeply emotional event that has quickly humbled me and has changed me already in so many ways that I was not expecting. As inconvenient as I might think it is, I look forward to relearning about my body and trusting it again. I believe that this injury has already made me so much more resilient, stronger, and a better advocate for my needs. Any ACLers – we are a fighters and we will get through this!

Peace and love,

Irene